The Highlights #3

Besides both my parents and I being sick, I've had a wonderful week! I spent a lot of time with Dalton as per usual and as I took care of him when he was sick last week, he sort of did this same for me this week. LOL Before we all got sick, I drove around town quite a bit running errands, so I actually put makeup on which is a rarity these days. Something I've realized is, I feel so, so much more confident with makeup on. I'm not trying to hide anything (if you watch my vlogs, you'll know I'm very comfortable makeup free), but having makeup on just gives a boost of self confidence; it adds a bit of a pep in my step.

FYI the septum is fake 😜

One benefit of being sick with my parents is that I spent a lot of time with my mom; we caught up on the current season of Criminal Minds because we were mega behind and still sort of are, but we're getting there. I really do enjoy spending time with my mom; we've both been showing an insane amount of gratitude towards each other this week. She sincerely thanked me many, many times for taking care of the house since she's been a bit out of commission the past several months so to speak. I've been trying to show appreciation in every way possible to all of my loved ones, especially my mom. I mentioned last week that, through my buddhist practice, I want to become a more appreciative, compassionate person and I feel I'm making progress. I've been chanting every day which is a huge step for me. 

As far as my recovery from my eating disorders and trying to get healthy, I'm making small steps. I got a sponsor in my program that I'm part of and she's meant to help me with meal planning and staying abstinent from foods that I binge on and from purging. I have hope that I can do this and become a healthy person. 

It's been a good week, not too eventful, but good and that's all I can ask for. I'm grateful for what and  who I have today in my life and I am determined to further enrich my life. I hope you're all doing well! Ta for now!

The Highlights #2

Hello, hello! This past week was completely unproductive! 😑 I spent most of the week in bed with my best friend/old roommate, Dalton, who got pretty sick around Monday. He just recently moved out, but he still spends a lot of time with me and my family and once he got sick, he figured it was easier to spend his days sick in my bed than in his own. I do love him, so. We spent our time sleeping and watching Criminal Minds episode after episode.

Today, so far has been awesome! I went to a Buddhist meeting at my friend's house and I am so grateful that I went! Over the past two weeks or so, I've been having a bit of trouble with my faith. Faith, of any kind, is fairly new to me as I hadn't practiced any religion since I was 15 many, many moons ago. I've only been practicing Buddhism since August of last year and a few weeks ago, when my mom was at worst with her sickness, I found myself questioning why am I doing this? So I've avoided sitting in front of my Gohonzon (a scroll/altar we chant to in order to bring out our best version of ourselves) and chanting all this time and today I was reminded why we have faith. We make certain causes in our lives that then reap effects, good or bad, but we make those causes every day. We can make a cause to be a more appreciative, compassionate human being, for example, and I was reminded today that I want to be that. Sure, I can do that without Buddhism, but I WANT to practice Buddhism again and reap the benefits of having faith in something outside of myself.

As far as goals from last week, I completely failed on all of them other than the cutting back on smoking. THAT! I did accomplish a bit! I cut back a lot, I'll come up with a number for you in next week's highlights, but I can tell I definitely smoked less. So thumbs up there! Other than that, my eating was mostly all over the place at the beginning of the week, but according to my weekly food diary, I started eating better over the past few days. Progress not perfection, eh?

I'm going grocery shopping tonight to grab some HEALTHY options for the week and I'm happy to say my list is the healthiest it's looked in a long time. I'm going to be cooking two meals for my mom and I, but besides those I'll be keeping it fairly simple with breakfast smoothies and tuna salad. Before I go to bed, I'm also going to map out what support groups I'll be attending this week, which is what I've done every Sunday for about a month now, but tonight I'm going to put a little more in depth thinking and research into them so I'm more likely to go. Thumbs up all around!

Since my goals weren't fully met (to say the least), I'm going to transfer them to this week's goals along with a few others. ☺️

GOALS:

• Eat breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner every day.
• Continue cutting back on smoking cigarettes.
• Ice and wrap my ankle every day.
• Practice driving and read the driver's manual for my test on Thursday! (EXCITED!)
• Chant and meditate daily.
• Read more books!
• Attend 4 - 5 support groups.

Lastly, here are the few photos I snapped last week!

Mmm, apples and peanut butter = current favorite snack!

Yoghurt and granola = best quick and easy breakfast!

Since 1D's newest album was released, it was easy for me to forget their old ones. How did I ever let that happen?? Midnight Memories is still so good! :)

You've got to love that SoCal weather!

Hope you're all well! xx

The Highlights #1

The Highlights is basically a look back at my week and this is the first of one to come every Sunday evening; I hope you enjoy! First off, I was reunited with an old coworker of mine, Nala (amazing name, I know). She picked me up mid-afternoon and we headed to one of the most beautiful malls in our area where we made the usual stops: Sephora, Nordstrom, Topshop, and even a cheeky look into Saint Laurent. She and I stopped for dinner and not much talking was done as we were so hungry, but afterwards we talked about so many things from boys to tattoos. Absolutely love that girl!

The week days were pretty standard for me, I attended a few support groups, watched Criminal Minds with my mom, and hung out with my dog, Toby. I found it quite hard finding any motivation to do anything this past week; there were a lot of "I don't want to leave my room or even my bed, for that matter," kind of days. I'm not necessarily feeling down or anything, but I think I just know that I have so much to work on with myself, that I get scared into this mode of not doing anything because I'm afraid to make any move one way or another. Does that make any sense? Anyway, here's to a better week next week.  :)

 

Yesterday was a great way to end the week! One of my best friends drove up from San Diego to see off a friend of ours who's going into the Navy Seals and she was able to make some time for little old me first. So sweet! Caitlyn, her boyfriend, and I met up with some of our other best friends and headed to our old stomping ground AKA a town center in the city where we all used to live to get some nom nom. They dined on fish burritos and pizza, but I stuck with my Starbucks Passion Tea. We had a great time catching up and reminiscing and causing a bit of havoc here and there among the somewhat stuck up older folk who looked down their noses at us and then went our separate ways. A good time, I'd say. ;)

At the end of each The Highlights post, I'd like to set some goals for the next week. If you've got any goals for the next week, always feel free to leave them in the comments.

GOALS:

• Eat breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner every day.
• Cut back on smoking cigarettes.
• Ice my ankle EVERY DAY! (Dang thing is still sprained.)
• Attend 4-5 support groups.
• Continue practicing my driving.
• Meditate once a day.

I'm hoping I can look back at this little list every day next week and keep to them. Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I'll speak to you next week!

Off to a Good Start

Hello, my lovely fellow internet "kids" (let's face it, we're all internet kids at heart LOL)! We're into the second week of 2016 and I'm hoping you're all having a fabulous new year! I've taken a bit of a two-ish month hiatus for no specific reason, but I'm back and ready to keep this darn thing updated! Stay along for the ride if you'd like!

Let's have a bit of a catch up, shall we? I spent my New Year's Eve at one of my best friend's houses where I met several of his lovely friends; Dalton was my wingman for the night and although I didn't get a midnight kiss, I did plant a perfect Nars Cruella stained kiss on Dalton's cheek. :) One of the best parts of the night was the clock hitting midnight and going around the room giving and receiving hugs from people I had just met that night all saying Happy New Year to each other. This is the first year in quite a while that I've spent with more than two or three people and the energy is just so different. There's an excitement in the room for the possibilities of the new year and the energy passed along from person to person. There were two people in particular that night who took quite a liking to me and they were throwing compliments my way for the majority of the night. They liked me for me and I was reminded that I'm quite a likable person with good conversational skills which is something I often forget. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but it is nice and necessary to give ourselves a pat on the back once in a while for just being ourselves.

And with that, I'll lead into something I've been learning in therapy. Since the beginning of the year, I've been part of an intensive outpatient program to help me learn coping skills and proper tools to deal with my anxiety, depression, and addiction. The most important thing I've taken away from the program so far is that I need to start caring for myself. Now this may sound simple, but it's something that I've never been good at. I've spent years either taking care of others or just completely neglecting myself which, along with other things, has left me being an extremely self-critical and anxious person. Some ways I'm trying to change my behavior involve something called the self-soothing technique; this is a technique where you take some time out of your day, even a few minutes, to do something for yourself. This can be anything that feeds your spirit and soul; for example, for me, I listen to my favorite album (American Candy by The Maine) some time throughout the day or I'll take 10 minutes before bed to sit with my breath and clear my mind.

Another tool that one of my therapists said would be key for me is replacing my self-critical talk with gentle words and tone. He used the example of thinking to yourself, what and how would you talk to your little niece or nephew. The answer can be different from person to person, but I would talk to my niece or nephew in a gentle, encouraging, and loving voice. I tried this technique yesterday afternoon when I got home from treatment and I could feel anxiety and self-blame boiling up in me for something that I logically knew wasn't a big deal. So I recognized that my thoughts were being overly critical of the situation and I stopped myself and instead began talking myself down by saying "It's ok, no one is mad at you, it was a miscommunication and you know for next time to let everyone know what is going on. No one blames, you're ok, it's over and done with." As soon as I told myself this, I felt the anxiety start to die down; it was incredible! I had never been able to talk myself down like that before!

What I explained above is called the Three C's technique; Catch it. Check it. Change it. This means to identify the thoughts, stop them, and replace them with something different whether that is doing a healthy behavior instead of spiraling into panic or, in my case, giving myself gentle self-talk. I know I just threw a lot of therapy mumbo jumbo at you just now, but these are just things that I'm learning are truly helping me to change my self-concept and therefore everything else in my life. If anything here was unclear or if you have any questions, please do leave a comment below or contact me at any of my social media. :)

I feel very positive and determined about this new year. A lot of things are going to change in my life, for better or worse, but I'm learning how to cope and I feel proud of that. Thanks for reading my rambly update and I hope you continue to read along with the rest of the psychobabble I'll be posting for the rest of this year. Great things are coming to this blog, get excited! ;)

All the best. xx

Thought I'd throw in some photos for LOLs. This is me! :)

Bright Skies Ahead

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately and what kind of career I'd like to start pursuing. I turn 23 next month and some of you may be thinking a career path is something I should have already started thinking about by now, but it's always just been so overwhelming. I've bobbed around from wanting to do this and then that since I was a wee little child, but since I was around 17, I've been distracted by different aspects of life. However, as time's gone on and I'm finally beginning to get to know myself again, I'm really starting to focus on real goals for myself!

Since my late teenage years, I found myself starting to settle; I told myself "Oh I won't be able to achieve anything I'd actually like to do for a career, I'll just work in a 9-5 office job that'll pay my bills." Not the most positive way of thinking, is it? LOL The past few months, though, I've began to see a brighter future for myself, one where I give my dreams a real go! I have a few dream careers (based on the little amount I DO know about each one) in mind that I really want to shoot for over the next ten years and I thought I'd share them with you!

1. A & R Representative

An A&R rep is someone who scouts new talent for a record label, in other words, they'll go around seeing different artists live or hearing demos or mixtapes and if they like what they hear, they can work towards getting the talent to sign with the record label they work for. I've been interested in the music industry since I was about fifteen. I started street teaming for the record label, Fearless Records, at that age and that basically consists of promoting their bands in various different ways and in exchange you'll get a ticket to a show or in most cases, for my friend and I anyway, guest listed backstage. :) Before I even started running street, I had been going to shows almost every weekend so I started to really create relationships with different people; people in bands, record label representatives, tour managers, roadies and I really got to see different aspects of what that sort of life entails.

I don't exactly remember how I first heard about A&R, but I know I've had an interest in the position since around my show-going days. The idea of finding new talent and playing a major role in helping them share their music with the world is just so appealing to me. When I first started going to shows, being in the front of the crowd singing along to every word was my favorite thing and it still very much is, but after my first time standing side-stage at a show, something changed. I got to see the concert from a whole other perspective. I got to see the crowd and the look of love and true joy on the face of every person in the room and that has become something that really fills me up with happiness and a love for the art of music. I think it would be incredible to be able to help give people that gift of music and help the musician/musicians to achieve their dreams!

Here are just a few of my favorite photos with some of my favorite people from my show days! :)

2. Author

I've loved writing for as long as I can remember and as I got older, I realized it was something I'm actually quite good at. English was always the class that I excelled in the most in school and it was a subject I actually enjoyed. I've always kept journals and recently, I've been getting back into it again, along with this blog, however what I truly, truly enjoy is fictional writing. In my teen years, I was writing a book about a girl and her friends and the trials and tribulations of growing up and since then, I think I've tried to continue that book in some way or another. Every time I try to write something new, the characters start to remind me of that teenage girl and her friends...unfinished business and all that. I'd like to pick up on that book again and do some revising which I'm sure is greatly needed!

To this day, my fictional stories have all consisted of the young adult genre type writing. I've been told that my voice is similar to that of Jason Myers (Exit Here) and Michael Northrop (Gentelmen) which is possibly one of the greatest compliments I could ever receive since those are two of my favorite writers of all time. I love that writing is so cathartic and I can say anything I've ever wanted to say through a character. Also, the idea of being able to help someone with something their struggling with or just make them smile through something I've written would be an absolute dream come true. Writing has taken a backseat these past few years and I'd really like to see that change so that I can give being an author a proper go!

3. Event Coordinator

This is a job that I know far less about, but regardless, it is something I'd really like to look into. I first got a glimpse of being an event coordinator from would you believe it? The Hills. Yes, the guilty pleasure of a "reality show" that starred the ever so beautiful and talented Lauren Conrad. Do any of you remember her friend on the show and in real life, Heidi Montag? Well, in Season 1 of the show we saw Heidi working for a company called Bolthouse and they planned and coordinated events for different companies and it just looked so exciting! The reason I started to consider it as a job for myself is because I started to realize that putting together parties and events for friends was something I truly enjoyed. I loved picking out the venue, decor, food, music, everything that would go into an event on a larger scale and I'd quite like to do a bit research and see if it's a possibility for me. The lifestyle of socializing and also having a desk job that also greatly involves working with others toward one final goal is very appealing!

These are the three career paths that have always stayed with me in the back of my mind and I think it's time I really start to focus on them! I hope this has inspired you to give your dreams a chance! Leave your dream jobs in the comments below if you'd like! xx

Happy Halloween!

Today is the day of All Hallow's Eve aka Halloween and I won't be doing anything tonight besides working and then watching horror movies and drinking some fine libations with friends, but I hope if any of you are going out that you're safe and have fun! xx

PS - Keep an eye out this week for another blog post from me; it might just be an update post or maybe something specific, but either way keep your eyes peeled! :)

Throwback to Halloween 2013 with Dalton! xx

Sisterly Love

Hello lovely readers, how are you doing? Please do let me know in the comments below! :) I'm currently doing absolutely fantastic! The reason for this amazing mood is that as I'm writing this, I've just discovered that my sister is more than pleased to accompany me to The Weekend, Banks, and Halsey concert in December! By the time you read this, it will have already been the next day, but I'm just so excited, I couldn't wait to type up a little post and share the news!

I like The Weekend as much as the next person, but my main attraction to the event is because of Banks and Halsey. I've loved Banks ever since my sister first told me about her back in January of this year and I've recently become obsessed with Halsey. I'm just loving these strong female figures right now! I'd like to include my sister in that category. She is by far one of the most amazing women I admire in all aspects of life and I couldn't be more grateful for her.

Now, about the music. We've all heard of The Weekend, so please excuse me as I skip the description of his music. LOL Banks has this beautiful, sultry voice and her lyrics really touch the soul (especially if you're female, in my opinion). With lyrics like "Please tell me that this could be easy, I'm tired of waiting for permission to love," she gets down to the depths of love and some of her songs really are quite heartbreaking. I love the realness and relevance of her songs.

Halsey is incredible. With bass heavy beats being the backdrop to her unique voice and lyrics, her songs make for an experience. I'll give a little taste of her lyrics by choosing some from my current favorite song "Colors". Some lyrics from the chorus are as follows, "Everything is grey, his hair, his smoke, his dreams and now he's so devoid of color, he don't know what it means." These lyrics are so personal to me. Her voice is just so pleasant to listen to, as is Banks and I couldn't be more excited for the concert and to be attending with my beautiful sister.

I hope something makes you happy today as well! All love. xx

It's been 84 years...

Hello lovely reader, I've not written properly on this blog in ages! This is something I seem to do quite often; I'll come back, talk about how I've been gone for quite some time, say I'll be writing again and then I disappear. Again. It's quite a shame, really, because I genuinely enjoy writing this blog, no matter if it's about beauty, life, anxiety, etc; I just love it. This is not the only place I've neglected writing, I no longer write in my journal anymore either. Shock horror! 😨

I'll be honest, as I always am (if not, a bit too honest at times), my anxiety has been so terrible, the past few months, in particular that I spend all my free hours outside of work and school watching YouTube videos. I haven't been able to tear myself away from a screen for fear of any terrible thoughts or feelings that might come. Because of this, I haven't really written anything anywhere, I haven't read or listened to any books, I barely go out, it's all bad. It's also the complete opposite of the list of things I wrote at the beginning of the year that I wanted to do.

However, it's only the beginning, but the past few days have been pretty damn good! I'll tell you why. :) I went to see the band, The Maine this past Friday and the lead singer (John O'Callaghan) said something that has stuck with me and I think always will. He said something along the lines of "Get off the internet, off YouTube, off your phones and go outside. Human interaction is awesome! And enjoy the sun and being outside; look we're all outside right now having a good time." It's been a few days so I did have to piece that together how I remember it in my head, so its definitely not 100% accurate. LOL For months, Dalton (my best friend, if you remember) and my mom have said things very similar to that, but John's words were the final push I needed to get out of my rut.

I'm not entirely out of my rut, but I feel like I'm slowly, but surely getting out. I feel hope again. I still haven't spent much time outside, but I've been pushing myself to exude more positivity and strength. I'm also trying to do more things besides watching YouTube vides; things like actually doing my homework, chanting (part of my new Buddhist practice), and spending more time with my mom. I owe a lot to The Maine. I've been a fan of theirs since I was 15 and they're a huge part of my life and sanity. They are an incredible band and if you're into groovy, rock, indie type music with truly inspiring lyrics, you should really check them out!

24 Floors - The Maine
Photo courtesy of wehearit

I do hope that I'll stay writing on this blog more frequently from here on out, as it could be an incredible outlet for me and I do just love the blogging community. :) I think that's all for now so I will talk to you all again very soon! xx

Kindness of Strangers

As some of you may know, I have a YouTube channel and every now and again among all my daily vlogs, I will upload a long chatty video about a serious topic. A few days ago, I  posted a video about my obesity. If you'd like to know more about that click here. :) I received the loveliest comment from one of my subscribers and it was just a beautiful reminder that you can find kindness in strangers. I don't have a massive amount of subscribers, but to the subscribers I do have, I love you and immensely appreciate your support and love. <33

(crappy webcam shot :P)

American Candy

Hello! I haven't posted on here in absolute ages other than a few Polyvore sets here and there! I have no excuses, I just failed to write anything. LOL I've taken a few pictures that I intended to put up but never did, so those will be in this post below. I want to start writing on here again, I just don't know what I'll be writing about yet. Stay tuned. xx

My attempt at a Pixiwoo tutorial LOL

I tried to get my makeup as close to Hannah Snowdon's as possible hahahaha

San Diego

I'm going to do my best to get on here more often because I genuinely do want to start writing again and this seems like a good place to start. If you'd like to find out about what I get up to on a more accurate posting schedule, subscribe to my YouTube channel! LOL Be well, all! xx

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Aloha! (I've been watching too many SprinkleofGlitter videos, can you tell? LOL) A few days ago, I met up with two of my best friends in the entire universe. I absolutely loved getting to hang out and chat, all three of us, as we've not all been in the same place in a very long time. None of us live super close together and as I don't drive, I had to bus/trek it to meet up with them, but I'm glad I did. I think making that extra little bit of effort is always worth it when it comes to friends like these. <3 If you'd like to know more about what I got up to with them, check out my YouTube channel, where I daily vlog. :) I took a few randoms snaps so I thought I'd share! Hope you're all well! xx